Sometimes, It's Just Hard For Me To Bear

Dear... I don't know how to express what I feel and all actually,

but I'm sorry for last night kay?

I admit, yea, I memang was pissed...

Sorry cause I didn't understand you,

When you said you wanted to leave for home, I was like kay lar let's go, since it was also raining and it was getting late

I didn't realize that you couldn't leave Veenoth and Kappa like that

Sorry darl...

Then I started pushing you in front,

the moment you turned back and raised your voice,

I felt hurt... I mean like, you wanted to leave right?

So I just like sort of nudged-pushed you in front

Then you asked where're you pushing me to? Kay lar I was hurt, and irritated...

Sorry for half-palau-ing u kay?

Still sayang u lots...

And and, remember that very night before we were sort of debating as usual?

Like before we got together?

Remember?

Almost everytime we'd end up debating on any random topic that anyone of us came up with :)

I was very upset actually, Almost cried... Out of worry for you

With you being the Scout Pres and all, typing proposal and arranging this and that, and meeting, school, tuition,

I actually felt that I shouldn't be that selfish to want to see you everyday

To let you rest at home

Which was why I said don't meet

That was just what I SAID, but not what I FELT, i felt the opposite though

God knows how much my heart misses you when you're not with me

Gosh this sounds so... Soppy but yea, straight from my heart

I got so worried of you, to see you go through all of this again (like last year) but more responsibility on you this time

And when you said you gotta go for camp

I was so darn upset

So many days cant see you! Let alone contact you :(

But i understand that I can't be selfish

To just wanna have you for myself all the time

So I'm gonna try and get used to not seeing you so often dy... *Sighs*

It's gonna be hard...

Sorry for half-ignoring your texts last night dear

Was taking time to think...

Yea I memang was doing my folio, but I left my phone in my room on purpose...

Sorry dear I just dint know how exactly to tell you about this

Ummm And sorry

It might really sound selfish

But I don't like being the one who waits I admit,

my temper is bad,

I have random, sudden mood swings, NOT PMS,

I have low tolerance for lots of things,

I have less patience,

I have high demands on myself,

And I get disappointed with myself alot just because I can't do things up to the level I want,

I'm imperfect,

I'm clumsy,

I'm noisy,

I'm irritating,

I'm unreasonable,

I'm stubborn,

and temperamental,

sometimes even being not understanding...

So i'm sorry if anything happens in the future just because of those kay?

I'm telling you here, now, just so you know...

And promise me,

when I'm mad, don't give me time to think

when I'm crying, don't give me space to be alone

all I want, all I need, is just you beside me,

just listening,

giving me a hug

and assuring me that things will go alright,

telling me that I'm not born perfect,

telling me that I'm still human,

and I have things that I need time to fix,

and telling me that you'll always be there...

can you?

Sorry again,

for being so demanding,

and expecting so much from you even when I know that you have enough to deal with

enough stress to bear and all

but it's because I love you,

then comes the jealousy after...

Hope you will understand alright?

If I get mad at you,

if I so-called 'merajuk' and walk away,

go after me,

take my hand,

look into my eyes

and melt my heart with what melted it in the first place

It's DEFINITELY not that I don't love you or I'm disappointed,

but that's just...

Ugh I dunno how to explain

Waiting for you today,

I got sorta not pleased as well

Asked you to sleep early last night,

yet you slept after me when you were so tired,

you know? I get very 'sam tong' seeing you so exhausted

yet I demand so much from you

Sorry for being selfish dear...

And you dint even go to class after school,

instead, you went cc, for like what, 3 hours plus?

When I was in Add Maths, I was sneezing like hell (Ask Sharan),

and wondering whether you're going to class or not later,

Dim Zhi u ended up in CC...

I dunno you memang intended to stay there till my Maths class finish

or you intend to go for Add Maths lar...

But you dint go today,

even after you said yes yes yes,

I was sad lor...

Plus, I thought you would come up in a while,

You don't know,

there were a few times I went out from Chatroom to see you,

just from behind the glass door, without going in,

I understand that you're stressed up and all,

and it's been so long since you last went CC,

but dear, you were hungry, you haven't eaten anything...

I left food for you actually,

but in the end I finished it cause it was cold ad,

and I figured that you don't really fancy what I ordered

Then the others were asking 'Eh where's D?'

and everytime I had to answer 'CC'...

Dear, i don't understand,

why oh why,

do guys rather spend their time and money and their energy

on comp games,

especially DoTA at CC?

As a form of entertainment? Sure no problem, i don't mind, serious, as long as it's not too much.

But you knew that I was supposed to be home early today,

as my Grandma is celebrating her birthday...

In the end I had to reply my mum that I'm not sure what time I'll be back yet...

While waiting for you, I'm missing you like mad...

Which was why I felt a little upset when you first came into Chatroom...

Dunno you realized or not, but I guess you did...

And and, i'm wondering la...

Is my face that easy to read?

I mean, are my thoughts written on my face?

I can't read your mind,

no idea of what're you thinking,

although most of the time,

i seem to know more than you about feelings and stuff,

but I'm clueless about your thoughts...

So I'm sorry again dear...

I'm sorry for being jealous alot,

sorry for thinking too much,

sorry for being to demanding,

sorry for expecting too much,

sorry for being so selfish,

sorry for being unreasonable and not understanding...

But then, I'm NOT sorry for loving you...

And, thank you... For being there always...

You're everything, my counsellor, my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, my source of laughter, my secret keeper, my boyfriend, and more, it's just not enough to put what I feel in words, it's all in my eyes, and my heart...

*Lets promise each other,

that no matter for what reason,

if we got mad at each other,

we cannot be mad longer that 2 minutes okay?

OUR deal... *

God knows how thankful I am,

to have a special someone,

that's you~